I feel absolutely lonely. The kind of jealousy that comes over me when I see a status like "Out with my boro boys," and I know that Nathan is with them, is almost unbearable. It puts me in the mindset of wanting to cry, or take two Tylenol PM and sleep for a day. I feel like yeah, it's mostly my fault that I don't have friends, but that doesn't make it any easier to have no one to call to hang out with. Ever. That's enough being emo. I just wish I had someone.

By your hand.

I wonder when I will get anything back for what you take.
All I hear is promises, all I see is those promises broken.
I have never acted so stupid for how smart I am.
I have never settled for this little.
My spirit and my heart are broken by your hand.
For some reason, I continue to have hope in you.
I think I might trick myself into believing I care for you.
My heart is full when you rub my feet and look into my eyes.
Or when you tell me I'm silly when I'm happy.
There is a look your face gets when you adore me.
When you quit progressing, every good feeling I ever had is forgotten, and the empty feeling in my heart comes back.
I sometimes feel like this is over for me, and when it's over I'll never be able to truly love again.
It is very obvious to the people who were involved in my life before you that I am very unhappy.
I wish that my tears were enough to make it click for you.
I sound stupid when I make excuses for you.
If I hear you tell me you were stupid and will do better one more time, I'm going to scream.
I sound like a pathetic woman with no self esteem who lives for her man because she has no idea how to make herself happy.
I know you're unhappy too, because in your eyes, I am so difficult to make happy.
I don't want to hear your excuses or promises anymore.

I want progress.
I want concern.
I want a relationship.
Or I want out.

The queen died three weeks ago, can't you see the difference?

God I am so angry right now!

Okay. Premenstrual. Hella. And it's like. Okay, I'm going to text you telling you how I feel about today. Because it sucked. And I was hoping you'd at least TRY to make me feel better? I'm sitting here in front of my laptop crying for the third time today because I feel like I am dating a brick wall sometimes. It's like, as long as I am okay, you are, but when I'm down, it's as if someone hit you in the face with a two by four. You don't say anything and don't do anything. I am at a loss for words and don't want to make you mad. So I'm shutting up.

Did it ever occur to you, that I act strong and cold and whatnot, but sometimes I want to be taken care of? Correction, sometimes I need to be taken care of? I know it is sometimes difficult to get me to accept help, but I am asking for it and getting nothing because you shut that area off to me. This sucks. I don't want to be the strong one.

one can only take so much.

Just earlier this evening I was talking to my family about how to deal with awkward situations that your mom puts me in, specifically the genetalia comments, and when Ted suggested a smart ass, rather funny approach to it, mom said, "No, Katie wouldn't do that, she loves Nathan." And now because of those situations I've lost out.

I said a lot of shit I should never have said. Thoughts that should not have become words. And for that I have fucked myself out of ever coming back and given you ammunition for any future arguement. Even though it isn't good enough, I'm sorry.

I know I can do fine without you, but I don't want to. I also know I could probably deal with your mom, but I don't want to do that either. I do not have any right to and should not stand in judgement, or offer my advice on how to make the family situation "better," so I am choosing to remove myself from the setting.

I'm really kind of speechless. I feel lost. You were everything. Goodnight and goodbye.

i've earned through hope and faith, the curves around your face, that i'm the one you'll hold forever.

I am really, really retardedly happy in my relationship right now. I have opened up and put myself out of my comfort zone, making me completely vulnerable, just like was asked of me. It feels good to be this open with Nathan, but I'm finding it very difficult to adjust, because one of the biggest feelings in my mind and heart now is fear. I'm terrified that something will change because of school, or his feelings will go away, or his affection will stay different. I wish I had never asked Nathan to quit talking about such big heavy things that scared me a month ago, because now it is something I would like to hear. Maybe that is why I feel like things have changed? His whole way of being affectionate has changed. No longer heavy and deep, but light and easy I guess? I'm working very hard on changing a lot of my reactions. I know I can be a huge wench sometimes, and it's something I'm not proud of. I am working harder than I ever have to change things about myself that I know I need to change/don't like. Idk, maybe this is just his rubberband phase, and I should leave it alone. Idk.



I'm really, really happy, and the only change I would ever want from here on is improvement. I do believe he is my one :D Will you stay with me, and love me always, please?

P.S.

I hate looking at pictures of you while I listen to City and Colour and cry.
I'm falling apart.

Since I try to play this one down

There's been a lot of situations in my life that I probably should have been the victim in, but instead brushed it off. I am not proud of the fact that I do tend to victimize myself in relationships. I know that I would search until my dying day if I was looking for someone who treated me perfectly and never hurt me, but damn, I seem to have horrible luck.

I feel like I get the life sucked out of me in every serious relationship I have. Scratch that, every guy I've dated for more than three weeks has clung on to me like the piece of ash that Logan burnt into me this summer. Shit gets rushed, and then I feel stuck for fear of hurting someone. So I hurt myself.

Nathan, don't take that the wrong way. If we moved things more slowly, I'm sure I'd be a lot more comfortable in this relationship. That is why I sometimes ask for space. It's my way of putting the brakes on something I feel moved to fast so I can catch up.

I can't make people like me, there's no point in trying. That's been obvious to me my whole life. People are going to like you, or they're not, and if you try, they'll either like you less or pretend to like you. I understand that two out of three of my best friends are far away at college, but for me, dropping in and saying 'Hi bugger/thryn, I miss you,' doesn't work. When is the last time one of them texted or called and we talked for as long as we used to? I spent an afternoon with Preston about two months ago, and I spent three hours in the car with Bugger when I picked her up from college because her dad had a damn heart attack. That was about three months ago, and that's the last time I had any quality time with either of them. I really want to work on getting tight with Jenni and Courtney again, but if that means I have to get high everytime I see them, I'll pass.

Back to relationships. I feel like I don't necessarily go out of my way to not be hurtful, but I know better. I'm pretty sure that most of the hurt I've gone through from Nathan is mindless shit that he should have known better. I feel as though I give and he takes. By giving I mean I settle for less than I deserve. And that is the way in which he takes. I don't deserve the tears, the miserable jealousy, the doubt that eats away at me on a regular basis. On a lighter note, Nathan really usually is a great boyfriend. I don't need to list off why because I tell him when I appreciate the things he does.

When someone you care about is hurting, when you're being nagged, pressured, bitched at, when you doubt yourself, when you're in pain, whether it be physical emotional,
I'll be there, waiting at the finish line, there to rub your back, to lay with you and listen, to fight for you, there to be your backbone.
We sometimes treat each other in ways we don't deserve, certainly. But we could make it through hell and back if we wanted, we just have to remember the most important aspect of us, more important than any thoughts, words, actions, promises, intentions, or ideas could touch,
our love.

I wrote that during a happy period last week. It makes me want to cry that I can go from feeling that good to feeling like dirt within next to no time at all. It's getting harder for me to bounce back.
Goodnight.

Defeated.

Actions, actions, actions.
Fuck words.

I just feel like I can't catch a break. I feel like one weekend he is texting Chantelle, then the next weekend I am finding porn on his computer, then the next weekend he deletes all his messages on myspace so I can't see them, and then the weekend after that I find more porn, and the same weekend I get judged for buying cigarettes when I am stressed.
We have wonderfully amazing times in between. But when it comes down to it, the things that really matter, that really show his true colors (his actions), show a pretty big lack of commitment, consideration and concern.

I come home every weekend feeling like I have gone through a goddamn spin cycle. I am absolutely exhausted today. The habit, the issue, the porn, I can deal with, as long as it doesn't happen again for at least a month.
I just feel like I don't matter sometimes. I think that after seeing the kind of damage immature actions can do to our relationship, Nathan would stop. Like, don't bitch at me for smoking cigarettes when I am stressed when not a month before you were lighting up my cigarette FOR ME. And puffing on it yourself! When you know you should keep your mouth shut, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

I'm losing my will to care anymore you know? Let me lay it out. Usually, I fight with depression pretty badly from November through March. Sometimes longer. It usually gets the best of me, to where I become listless and have a really hard time dealing with normal responsibilities. Thus, why I get so stressed out from my job and painting. Then add all the family issues I've been having lately, like not speaking to my dad for a month and my sister being pregnant and going to rehab. On top of that, I have put a bunch of stress on myself because I seriously need to lose weight. Like, it's not only that I don't think I look good, but I also just don't feel good. I feel unhealthy. And then I feel like we fight, almost daily. It is RIDICULOUS.

If you want to make it work, make it work. I'm doing all I can, the rest is up to you.

Settle for less...

I often wonder a lot about lessons. I believe in the higher self philosophy. Where you have a higher self and souls are spun out into bodies for a lifetime, then return with all that was learned, and the next body filling soul comes out a better person.
I sometimes wonder because of how hard I can be on people, on myself, of how I can be cold, harsh, unsympathetic, if that is maybe why I find the same type of person to date over and over.
And it's not just date. It's commit.
I commited to Jared. Younger than me, immature, jealous, angry. He treated me like shit, flat out.
Then Logan. This time older. But he was passive, unmotivated, dependant, couldn't learn from his mistakes. He also treated me like shit, but in a sneaky way. I sometimes think he refused to learn from his mistakes because he knew the things he did pissed me off.

In some ways, in most ways, Nathan is TONS better than both. He buys me flowers, says nice things to me, writes about me, is very romantic. He also does not thing about the things he says to me that hurt, even when he realizes they are hurting. He does not think about his actions either. He knows I have an issue with trusting him, and even when I am getting better at trusting him, he abuses it.
Lately, I more often than not would rather just be single, alone, independant, not being walked all over. I can honestly say right now, that I don't care if this works or not. I could rant about it for days, how sick and tired I am of being walked all over, taken for granted, and having my feelings disregarded, but it doesn't matter, because then that just makes me sensitive, crazy, psycho. All I ever hear is "I'm working on it." How hard is it to quit deleting your messages? How hard is it to not text your ex girlfriend when she texts you? How hard is it to not drink like an idiot? How hard is it to pass up girls when they flirt with you? How hard is it to shut your mouth when you know your words are hurting? How many times will you waste your time writing poems before you find out they do not fix everything? How many more times will you say you'll do a favor, and then not? How long will it be before your word is worth anything, if ever? When I am treated as useless, I put up my walls, I quit caring, I shut down. I can't leave because I'm afraid he'll hurt himself. So settle for less I suppose.

I thought this relationship would be perfect. We stuck it out so long when I was in Washington. I had some fairy tale in my head I suppose. I imagined it being beautiful, peaceful, mature. This is ugly, like a war zone, and immature.
"It died out as it got quiet and you fell into your sleep, now I say died out as in it just stopped, we both sort of just went to sleep, not in a fight way cause we are too good for that and even if we did/do we solve our shit by talking and communicating, cause were balln and aren't going to let stuff get to us like that"
-December 24, 2008.
You wrote that. What happened?

I hover somewhere in between, I swear

Something has shifted again. Damnit.

Part of the reason I get so frustrated, and scream and yell when something comes in between is because I know that, whether I forget or forgive, something will not be the same. I feel as though we have lost our ability to be completely open and raw, exposed, vulnerable, whatever. That is what happens when feelings are treated without regard. The innocence, the beauty, is all gone now, because my feelings obviously can't be left in anyone else's hands but my own. I can't give over myself completely now, a little piece will always be left with me, because I have to protect myself. My wall is up now, and I don't know how long it will take, or if it will ever come back down. I am terrified that it will be the same as it was with Logan, where I was hurt beyond a place where I was able to bounce back from, and I will stay because of my initial feelings. Most of the time with him, I was staying because I thought we could get things back to "the way they used to be." I will try my damndest, but I have no idea if things with Nathan will ever be the same, and it's been less than two months.

I feel like my life is falling apart, sort of. I guess it's the combination of having basically no friends remaining, my dad deciding to quit talking to me, and my relationship falling off it's pedestal.

P.S. Baby will you come with me?

Blegh, so here I sit. I'm sick as crap, but the bofo says I need to write more blogs :]

I'm actually quite bored with my life as of the moment. It seems that I feel like less of a person when I am not accomplishing things. I don't really want to go to school so badly? But I want to for the productivity, and because the quicker I get going, the quicker I will graduate, the quicker I will start working, the quicker I will go back for 2-3 years, the quicker I will be able to go to Africa, the quicker I will be making 100k+ a year, the quicker I will be able to pay for a pretty wedding dress [hopefully] :] I was thinking really hard about how often people spend their entire childhood/teenage years looking forward to starting their new career, getting married, having kids, buying houses, cars, etc. What do you have to look forward to after you have your husband, kids, cars, and house? I find myself rather torn thinking about that, because, while I want to have kids very badly, preferably before my 30th birthday, I also want to go to school for 6-7 years, so that I can pay for all the things I want to do. So that puts me at 27-28 years old and ready to do my Africa thing. I will find time to travel. I've promised myself that. I want to visit every damn continent [except Antarctica of course] And of course I would take my kiddies traveling :] Bahh I can't wait for life to start!

Then of course I'm sitting here writing all this, in the mindset that I just, have, Nathan forever. Which is crap, and I should not think like that. Today, next week, next year, forever, is always going to be something to work at, to not take for granted, to be lucky for. So I shouldn't think like that, that he's just going to stick around because. Yeah. We don't necessarily stay apart for long enough to miss each other, but I would prefer to be with him constantly. It makes me incredibly happy to hear him laughing when I walk in the door from work, or when I wake up and his mean ass is facing the wall. I love that we can be together in any which way, whether we're laughing or crying or loving each other, and it's just completely comfortable, and feels right. It really truly does. It's absolutely right. Nothing has ever felt wierd for me. Like the first time holding his hand. It didn't feel awkward, or new, or anything, it just felt as it's supposed to. I definitely believe in fate and all that crap. All that we went through from this summer on was meant to happen I think. To make us stronger as a unit, to make us always aware not to take each other for granted, because of how close we were to losing each other [and did for a while.] After that I'm pretty sure we could make it through hell and high water together, as long as we're both willing to make the effort.

I've run out of steam. I tried my best to make things as wonderful to read for you as they are for me :] I love you babyyy.

Oh & btw.

I know that I have been incredibly possessive, in a stupid retarded way lately.
I am trying very hard and digging very deep inside myself to figure out what I can do to stop that. Part of the reason, I think, is because I have completely let you have me, my heart, my mind, my soul, and I have told you what I want for us, and I am terrified that you would crush me. I honestly don't think you will, but it is an irrational fear.

I forgot to elaborate on how much I love you in the last post :]
I would do anything I could to give you everything if I could love, anything and everything.

Pushit.

"Your pushing and were shoving and
I'm pushing and Your shoving

I'm Slipping back into, the gap again
I feel alive when you touch me
I feel alive when you hold me down
Slipping back into
Slipping back into

I am somewhere I don't wanna be
Put me somewhere I don't wanna be
Push me somewhere I don't wanna be
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see
Never wanna see that place again

Saw that gap again today
While you were begging me to stay
Managed to push myself away
And you as well my dear"



I am a facking mess this week. I feel like I am taking every chance I get to remind myself that I am not her, and instead of making myself better, slipping, and acting how she acted. I am not typically the type to grill my boyfriend. Constantly. Or get my feelings hurt. Constantly. I feel like I've totally spun out of control. Today is better, since it's pretty much over.

I pretty much feel like I have pushed him to feeling differently, but then get hurt over it. Cliche, but I'm pretty much my own worst enemy right now. To me, the things he says, or the way he acts seems less sincere now. I know it's not. I want to be myself by the end of today, so I can make him laugh, and smile, and make him happy like I'm supposed to. I don't want to confuse him, or make him angry, or hurt, doubt himself, or anything. And as long as he is happy with me, and sincere as hell, like usual with me, I will be completely fine. I sort of also feel like the crappy feelings I have had about my body in the past month have made him see me differently. Once again, I am not typically one of those girls who looks in the mirror and cringes. I actually like my appearance, quite a lot, when I haven't recently put on 20 pounds. I'm working on that though. Gah.

Toxic.

I think tonight is the night that my relationship falls off that perfect pedestal. Tonight we've brought up an issue that will continue to eat at us until it tears us apart. Great.

I am an optimist. He is a pessimist.

I could not be happier for my mother. She is 50 years old, and has found someone who she may not be head over heels in love with, but she loves all the same. He can be there for her emotionally and financially, and he respects her. I can't remember the last time a man treated my mother with the respect that she deserves. Scott gives me odd jobs, and he hooked me up with a cleaning job at the coast guard. Twenty hours a week, $8.25 an hour. No sick days, federal holidays off, one paid personal day, and more benefits as you work there longer. It's fine as far as a job goes I suppose.

And then. I love Nathan's mom to death. I think she is a wonderful woman, who has dealt with more than I can imagine. I also think she is at a breaking point, and some change needs to come into her life before she collapses. I want her to be okay, almost as much as I would want my own mom to be.

So tell me, why am I paying for the fact that your mom hasn't found anyone yet Nathan?
Why do I have to feel guilty for having a job? Why should I not be happy for my mom?

I am nothing but a supportive girlfriend, through and through. If you or your family ever needed me, you'd only have to wait until I got there, I would be out the door in a split second. I love your mom, and I want her to find someone, I love Jonathan, and I want him to be alright and get through this phase, and I love you, and I want you to do as well as you know you are capable of, not for us, but for you. I believe I already mentioned that if it was reasonable, I would have given half of my jobs to you. But it's not.

So now I sit here, wondering just how pissed you are at me, just how unfortunate it is for us to get like this when something just happened to your friend, and wondering just how much like Keri I am acting for flipping out right now, and how long it will be before your resentment tears us apart.

What do you see when you look at me?

I had all this shit to write about last night, and then mom #2 came down here to talk to me, and I've forgotten.

I think I may be leaning towards staying here again. I am absolutely terrified of college, and Shepherd probably wouldn't be as difficult as UW, plus it's less expensive and I would be here with Mando and zee baby. Yes. Sounds good. Not to mention this amazing relationship yo. I don't believe I've ever been connected to someone like this. I usually go through a whole awkward phase when getting to know someone or when we first start dating or whatever, but it was definitely nonexistent in this one. Maybe because we've been working on getting close since July? I have no idea, but I definitely feel like I am at home with Nathan. Bah :] It feels perfect. Creepy, I know. There's so much, ahhh, like how perfect I find his face to be? haha, I'm retarded. Like, I have never been the type to lay there and stare, but I find myself doing so constantly. I really, really, really, like hella, want to stay here and totally stay in his little circle of warmth? haha I cannot think of anything better to say. I sat here for like five minutes thinking of what to say there. That's the best I can do.

We're gonna make it through it all babyyy, we kill it :]