I hate looking at pictures of you while I listen to City and Colour and cry.
I'm falling apart.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Since I try to play this one down
There's been a lot of situations in my life that I probably should have been the victim in, but instead brushed it off. I am not proud of the fact that I do tend to victimize myself in relationships. I know that I would search until my dying day if I was looking for someone who treated me perfectly and never hurt me, but damn, I seem to have horrible luck.
I feel like I get the life sucked out of me in every serious relationship I have. Scratch that, every guy I've dated for more than three weeks has clung on to me like the piece of ash that Logan burnt into me this summer. Shit gets rushed, and then I feel stuck for fear of hurting someone. So I hurt myself.
Nathan, don't take that the wrong way. If we moved things more slowly, I'm sure I'd be a lot more comfortable in this relationship. That is why I sometimes ask for space. It's my way of putting the brakes on something I feel moved to fast so I can catch up.
I can't make people like me, there's no point in trying. That's been obvious to me my whole life. People are going to like you, or they're not, and if you try, they'll either like you less or pretend to like you. I understand that two out of three of my best friends are far away at college, but for me, dropping in and saying 'Hi bugger/thryn, I miss you,' doesn't work. When is the last time one of them texted or called and we talked for as long as we used to? I spent an afternoon with Preston about two months ago, and I spent three hours in the car with Bugger when I picked her up from college because her dad had a damn heart attack. That was about three months ago, and that's the last time I had any quality time with either of them. I really want to work on getting tight with Jenni and Courtney again, but if that means I have to get high everytime I see them, I'll pass.
Back to relationships. I feel like I don't necessarily go out of my way to not be hurtful, but I know better. I'm pretty sure that most of the hurt I've gone through from Nathan is mindless shit that he should have known better. I feel as though I give and he takes. By giving I mean I settle for less than I deserve. And that is the way in which he takes. I don't deserve the tears, the miserable jealousy, the doubt that eats away at me on a regular basis. On a lighter note, Nathan really usually is a great boyfriend. I don't need to list off why because I tell him when I appreciate the things he does.
When someone you care about is hurting, when you're being nagged, pressured, bitched at, when you doubt yourself, when you're in pain, whether it be physical emotional,
I'll be there, waiting at the finish line, there to rub your back, to lay with you and listen, to fight for you, there to be your backbone.
We sometimes treat each other in ways we don't deserve, certainly. But we could make it through hell and back if we wanted, we just have to remember the most important aspect of us, more important than any thoughts, words, actions, promises, intentions, or ideas could touch,
our love.
I wrote that during a happy period last week. It makes me want to cry that I can go from feeling that good to feeling like dirt within next to no time at all. It's getting harder for me to bounce back.
Goodnight.
I feel like I get the life sucked out of me in every serious relationship I have. Scratch that, every guy I've dated for more than three weeks has clung on to me like the piece of ash that Logan burnt into me this summer. Shit gets rushed, and then I feel stuck for fear of hurting someone. So I hurt myself.
Nathan, don't take that the wrong way. If we moved things more slowly, I'm sure I'd be a lot more comfortable in this relationship. That is why I sometimes ask for space. It's my way of putting the brakes on something I feel moved to fast so I can catch up.
I can't make people like me, there's no point in trying. That's been obvious to me my whole life. People are going to like you, or they're not, and if you try, they'll either like you less or pretend to like you. I understand that two out of three of my best friends are far away at college, but for me, dropping in and saying 'Hi bugger/thryn, I miss you,' doesn't work. When is the last time one of them texted or called and we talked for as long as we used to? I spent an afternoon with Preston about two months ago, and I spent three hours in the car with Bugger when I picked her up from college because her dad had a damn heart attack. That was about three months ago, and that's the last time I had any quality time with either of them. I really want to work on getting tight with Jenni and Courtney again, but if that means I have to get high everytime I see them, I'll pass.
Back to relationships. I feel like I don't necessarily go out of my way to not be hurtful, but I know better. I'm pretty sure that most of the hurt I've gone through from Nathan is mindless shit that he should have known better. I feel as though I give and he takes. By giving I mean I settle for less than I deserve. And that is the way in which he takes. I don't deserve the tears, the miserable jealousy, the doubt that eats away at me on a regular basis. On a lighter note, Nathan really usually is a great boyfriend. I don't need to list off why because I tell him when I appreciate the things he does.
When someone you care about is hurting, when you're being nagged, pressured, bitched at, when you doubt yourself, when you're in pain, whether it be physical emotional,
I'll be there, waiting at the finish line, there to rub your back, to lay with you and listen, to fight for you, there to be your backbone.
We sometimes treat each other in ways we don't deserve, certainly. But we could make it through hell and back if we wanted, we just have to remember the most important aspect of us, more important than any thoughts, words, actions, promises, intentions, or ideas could touch,
our love.
I wrote that during a happy period last week. It makes me want to cry that I can go from feeling that good to feeling like dirt within next to no time at all. It's getting harder for me to bounce back.
Goodnight.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Defeated.
Actions, actions, actions.
Fuck words.
I just feel like I can't catch a break. I feel like one weekend he is texting Chantelle, then the next weekend I am finding porn on his computer, then the next weekend he deletes all his messages on myspace so I can't see them, and then the weekend after that I find more porn, and the same weekend I get judged for buying cigarettes when I am stressed.
We have wonderfully amazing times in between. But when it comes down to it, the things that really matter, that really show his true colors (his actions), show a pretty big lack of commitment, consideration and concern.
I come home every weekend feeling like I have gone through a goddamn spin cycle. I am absolutely exhausted today. The habit, the issue, the porn, I can deal with, as long as it doesn't happen again for at least a month.
I just feel like I don't matter sometimes. I think that after seeing the kind of damage immature actions can do to our relationship, Nathan would stop. Like, don't bitch at me for smoking cigarettes when I am stressed when not a month before you were lighting up my cigarette FOR ME. And puffing on it yourself! When you know you should keep your mouth shut, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
I'm losing my will to care anymore you know? Let me lay it out. Usually, I fight with depression pretty badly from November through March. Sometimes longer. It usually gets the best of me, to where I become listless and have a really hard time dealing with normal responsibilities. Thus, why I get so stressed out from my job and painting. Then add all the family issues I've been having lately, like not speaking to my dad for a month and my sister being pregnant and going to rehab. On top of that, I have put a bunch of stress on myself because I seriously need to lose weight. Like, it's not only that I don't think I look good, but I also just don't feel good. I feel unhealthy. And then I feel like we fight, almost daily. It is RIDICULOUS.
If you want to make it work, make it work. I'm doing all I can, the rest is up to you.
Fuck words.
I just feel like I can't catch a break. I feel like one weekend he is texting Chantelle, then the next weekend I am finding porn on his computer, then the next weekend he deletes all his messages on myspace so I can't see them, and then the weekend after that I find more porn, and the same weekend I get judged for buying cigarettes when I am stressed.
We have wonderfully amazing times in between. But when it comes down to it, the things that really matter, that really show his true colors (his actions), show a pretty big lack of commitment, consideration and concern.
I come home every weekend feeling like I have gone through a goddamn spin cycle. I am absolutely exhausted today. The habit, the issue, the porn, I can deal with, as long as it doesn't happen again for at least a month.
I just feel like I don't matter sometimes. I think that after seeing the kind of damage immature actions can do to our relationship, Nathan would stop. Like, don't bitch at me for smoking cigarettes when I am stressed when not a month before you were lighting up my cigarette FOR ME. And puffing on it yourself! When you know you should keep your mouth shut, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
I'm losing my will to care anymore you know? Let me lay it out. Usually, I fight with depression pretty badly from November through March. Sometimes longer. It usually gets the best of me, to where I become listless and have a really hard time dealing with normal responsibilities. Thus, why I get so stressed out from my job and painting. Then add all the family issues I've been having lately, like not speaking to my dad for a month and my sister being pregnant and going to rehab. On top of that, I have put a bunch of stress on myself because I seriously need to lose weight. Like, it's not only that I don't think I look good, but I also just don't feel good. I feel unhealthy. And then I feel like we fight, almost daily. It is RIDICULOUS.
If you want to make it work, make it work. I'm doing all I can, the rest is up to you.
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