Defeated.

Actions, actions, actions.
Fuck words.

I just feel like I can't catch a break. I feel like one weekend he is texting Chantelle, then the next weekend I am finding porn on his computer, then the next weekend he deletes all his messages on myspace so I can't see them, and then the weekend after that I find more porn, and the same weekend I get judged for buying cigarettes when I am stressed.
We have wonderfully amazing times in between. But when it comes down to it, the things that really matter, that really show his true colors (his actions), show a pretty big lack of commitment, consideration and concern.

I come home every weekend feeling like I have gone through a goddamn spin cycle. I am absolutely exhausted today. The habit, the issue, the porn, I can deal with, as long as it doesn't happen again for at least a month.
I just feel like I don't matter sometimes. I think that after seeing the kind of damage immature actions can do to our relationship, Nathan would stop. Like, don't bitch at me for smoking cigarettes when I am stressed when not a month before you were lighting up my cigarette FOR ME. And puffing on it yourself! When you know you should keep your mouth shut, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

I'm losing my will to care anymore you know? Let me lay it out. Usually, I fight with depression pretty badly from November through March. Sometimes longer. It usually gets the best of me, to where I become listless and have a really hard time dealing with normal responsibilities. Thus, why I get so stressed out from my job and painting. Then add all the family issues I've been having lately, like not speaking to my dad for a month and my sister being pregnant and going to rehab. On top of that, I have put a bunch of stress on myself because I seriously need to lose weight. Like, it's not only that I don't think I look good, but I also just don't feel good. I feel unhealthy. And then I feel like we fight, almost daily. It is RIDICULOUS.

If you want to make it work, make it work. I'm doing all I can, the rest is up to you.