Settle for less...

I often wonder a lot about lessons. I believe in the higher self philosophy. Where you have a higher self and souls are spun out into bodies for a lifetime, then return with all that was learned, and the next body filling soul comes out a better person.
I sometimes wonder because of how hard I can be on people, on myself, of how I can be cold, harsh, unsympathetic, if that is maybe why I find the same type of person to date over and over.
And it's not just date. It's commit.
I commited to Jared. Younger than me, immature, jealous, angry. He treated me like shit, flat out.
Then Logan. This time older. But he was passive, unmotivated, dependant, couldn't learn from his mistakes. He also treated me like shit, but in a sneaky way. I sometimes think he refused to learn from his mistakes because he knew the things he did pissed me off.

In some ways, in most ways, Nathan is TONS better than both. He buys me flowers, says nice things to me, writes about me, is very romantic. He also does not thing about the things he says to me that hurt, even when he realizes they are hurting. He does not think about his actions either. He knows I have an issue with trusting him, and even when I am getting better at trusting him, he abuses it.
Lately, I more often than not would rather just be single, alone, independant, not being walked all over. I can honestly say right now, that I don't care if this works or not. I could rant about it for days, how sick and tired I am of being walked all over, taken for granted, and having my feelings disregarded, but it doesn't matter, because then that just makes me sensitive, crazy, psycho. All I ever hear is "I'm working on it." How hard is it to quit deleting your messages? How hard is it to not text your ex girlfriend when she texts you? How hard is it to not drink like an idiot? How hard is it to pass up girls when they flirt with you? How hard is it to shut your mouth when you know your words are hurting? How many times will you waste your time writing poems before you find out they do not fix everything? How many more times will you say you'll do a favor, and then not? How long will it be before your word is worth anything, if ever? When I am treated as useless, I put up my walls, I quit caring, I shut down. I can't leave because I'm afraid he'll hurt himself. So settle for less I suppose.

I thought this relationship would be perfect. We stuck it out so long when I was in Washington. I had some fairy tale in my head I suppose. I imagined it being beautiful, peaceful, mature. This is ugly, like a war zone, and immature.
"It died out as it got quiet and you fell into your sleep, now I say died out as in it just stopped, we both sort of just went to sleep, not in a fight way cause we are too good for that and even if we did/do we solve our shit by talking and communicating, cause were balln and aren't going to let stuff get to us like that"
-December 24, 2008.
You wrote that. What happened?