I feel absolutely lonely. The kind of jealousy that comes over me when I see a status like "Out with my boro boys," and I know that Nathan is with them, is almost unbearable. It puts me in the mindset of wanting to cry, or take two Tylenol PM and sleep for a day. I feel like yeah, it's mostly my fault that I don't have friends, but that doesn't make it any easier to have no one to call to hang out with. Ever. That's enough being emo. I just wish I had someone.

By your hand.

I wonder when I will get anything back for what you take.
All I hear is promises, all I see is those promises broken.
I have never acted so stupid for how smart I am.
I have never settled for this little.
My spirit and my heart are broken by your hand.
For some reason, I continue to have hope in you.
I think I might trick myself into believing I care for you.
My heart is full when you rub my feet and look into my eyes.
Or when you tell me I'm silly when I'm happy.
There is a look your face gets when you adore me.
When you quit progressing, every good feeling I ever had is forgotten, and the empty feeling in my heart comes back.
I sometimes feel like this is over for me, and when it's over I'll never be able to truly love again.
It is very obvious to the people who were involved in my life before you that I am very unhappy.
I wish that my tears were enough to make it click for you.
I sound stupid when I make excuses for you.
If I hear you tell me you were stupid and will do better one more time, I'm going to scream.
I sound like a pathetic woman with no self esteem who lives for her man because she has no idea how to make herself happy.
I know you're unhappy too, because in your eyes, I am so difficult to make happy.
I don't want to hear your excuses or promises anymore.

I want progress.
I want concern.
I want a relationship.
Or I want out.

The queen died three weeks ago, can't you see the difference?

God I am so angry right now!

Okay. Premenstrual. Hella. And it's like. Okay, I'm going to text you telling you how I feel about today. Because it sucked. And I was hoping you'd at least TRY to make me feel better? I'm sitting here in front of my laptop crying for the third time today because I feel like I am dating a brick wall sometimes. It's like, as long as I am okay, you are, but when I'm down, it's as if someone hit you in the face with a two by four. You don't say anything and don't do anything. I am at a loss for words and don't want to make you mad. So I'm shutting up.

Did it ever occur to you, that I act strong and cold and whatnot, but sometimes I want to be taken care of? Correction, sometimes I need to be taken care of? I know it is sometimes difficult to get me to accept help, but I am asking for it and getting nothing because you shut that area off to me. This sucks. I don't want to be the strong one.

one can only take so much.

Just earlier this evening I was talking to my family about how to deal with awkward situations that your mom puts me in, specifically the genetalia comments, and when Ted suggested a smart ass, rather funny approach to it, mom said, "No, Katie wouldn't do that, she loves Nathan." And now because of those situations I've lost out.

I said a lot of shit I should never have said. Thoughts that should not have become words. And for that I have fucked myself out of ever coming back and given you ammunition for any future arguement. Even though it isn't good enough, I'm sorry.

I know I can do fine without you, but I don't want to. I also know I could probably deal with your mom, but I don't want to do that either. I do not have any right to and should not stand in judgement, or offer my advice on how to make the family situation "better," so I am choosing to remove myself from the setting.

I'm really kind of speechless. I feel lost. You were everything. Goodnight and goodbye.

i've earned through hope and faith, the curves around your face, that i'm the one you'll hold forever.

I am really, really retardedly happy in my relationship right now. I have opened up and put myself out of my comfort zone, making me completely vulnerable, just like was asked of me. It feels good to be this open with Nathan, but I'm finding it very difficult to adjust, because one of the biggest feelings in my mind and heart now is fear. I'm terrified that something will change because of school, or his feelings will go away, or his affection will stay different. I wish I had never asked Nathan to quit talking about such big heavy things that scared me a month ago, because now it is something I would like to hear. Maybe that is why I feel like things have changed? His whole way of being affectionate has changed. No longer heavy and deep, but light and easy I guess? I'm working very hard on changing a lot of my reactions. I know I can be a huge wench sometimes, and it's something I'm not proud of. I am working harder than I ever have to change things about myself that I know I need to change/don't like. Idk, maybe this is just his rubberband phase, and I should leave it alone. Idk.



I'm really, really happy, and the only change I would ever want from here on is improvement. I do believe he is my one :D Will you stay with me, and love me always, please?

P.S.

I hate looking at pictures of you while I listen to City and Colour and cry.
I'm falling apart.

Since I try to play this one down

There's been a lot of situations in my life that I probably should have been the victim in, but instead brushed it off. I am not proud of the fact that I do tend to victimize myself in relationships. I know that I would search until my dying day if I was looking for someone who treated me perfectly and never hurt me, but damn, I seem to have horrible luck.

I feel like I get the life sucked out of me in every serious relationship I have. Scratch that, every guy I've dated for more than three weeks has clung on to me like the piece of ash that Logan burnt into me this summer. Shit gets rushed, and then I feel stuck for fear of hurting someone. So I hurt myself.

Nathan, don't take that the wrong way. If we moved things more slowly, I'm sure I'd be a lot more comfortable in this relationship. That is why I sometimes ask for space. It's my way of putting the brakes on something I feel moved to fast so I can catch up.

I can't make people like me, there's no point in trying. That's been obvious to me my whole life. People are going to like you, or they're not, and if you try, they'll either like you less or pretend to like you. I understand that two out of three of my best friends are far away at college, but for me, dropping in and saying 'Hi bugger/thryn, I miss you,' doesn't work. When is the last time one of them texted or called and we talked for as long as we used to? I spent an afternoon with Preston about two months ago, and I spent three hours in the car with Bugger when I picked her up from college because her dad had a damn heart attack. That was about three months ago, and that's the last time I had any quality time with either of them. I really want to work on getting tight with Jenni and Courtney again, but if that means I have to get high everytime I see them, I'll pass.

Back to relationships. I feel like I don't necessarily go out of my way to not be hurtful, but I know better. I'm pretty sure that most of the hurt I've gone through from Nathan is mindless shit that he should have known better. I feel as though I give and he takes. By giving I mean I settle for less than I deserve. And that is the way in which he takes. I don't deserve the tears, the miserable jealousy, the doubt that eats away at me on a regular basis. On a lighter note, Nathan really usually is a great boyfriend. I don't need to list off why because I tell him when I appreciate the things he does.

When someone you care about is hurting, when you're being nagged, pressured, bitched at, when you doubt yourself, when you're in pain, whether it be physical emotional,
I'll be there, waiting at the finish line, there to rub your back, to lay with you and listen, to fight for you, there to be your backbone.
We sometimes treat each other in ways we don't deserve, certainly. But we could make it through hell and back if we wanted, we just have to remember the most important aspect of us, more important than any thoughts, words, actions, promises, intentions, or ideas could touch,
our love.

I wrote that during a happy period last week. It makes me want to cry that I can go from feeling that good to feeling like dirt within next to no time at all. It's getting harder for me to bounce back.
Goodnight.