I hover somewhere in between, I swear

Something has shifted again. Damnit.

Part of the reason I get so frustrated, and scream and yell when something comes in between is because I know that, whether I forget or forgive, something will not be the same. I feel as though we have lost our ability to be completely open and raw, exposed, vulnerable, whatever. That is what happens when feelings are treated without regard. The innocence, the beauty, is all gone now, because my feelings obviously can't be left in anyone else's hands but my own. I can't give over myself completely now, a little piece will always be left with me, because I have to protect myself. My wall is up now, and I don't know how long it will take, or if it will ever come back down. I am terrified that it will be the same as it was with Logan, where I was hurt beyond a place where I was able to bounce back from, and I will stay because of my initial feelings. Most of the time with him, I was staying because I thought we could get things back to "the way they used to be." I will try my damndest, but I have no idea if things with Nathan will ever be the same, and it's been less than two months.

I feel like my life is falling apart, sort of. I guess it's the combination of having basically no friends remaining, my dad deciding to quit talking to me, and my relationship falling off it's pedestal.

P.S. Baby will you come with me?

Blegh, so here I sit. I'm sick as crap, but the bofo says I need to write more blogs :]

I'm actually quite bored with my life as of the moment. It seems that I feel like less of a person when I am not accomplishing things. I don't really want to go to school so badly? But I want to for the productivity, and because the quicker I get going, the quicker I will graduate, the quicker I will start working, the quicker I will go back for 2-3 years, the quicker I will be able to go to Africa, the quicker I will be making 100k+ a year, the quicker I will be able to pay for a pretty wedding dress [hopefully] :] I was thinking really hard about how often people spend their entire childhood/teenage years looking forward to starting their new career, getting married, having kids, buying houses, cars, etc. What do you have to look forward to after you have your husband, kids, cars, and house? I find myself rather torn thinking about that, because, while I want to have kids very badly, preferably before my 30th birthday, I also want to go to school for 6-7 years, so that I can pay for all the things I want to do. So that puts me at 27-28 years old and ready to do my Africa thing. I will find time to travel. I've promised myself that. I want to visit every damn continent [except Antarctica of course] And of course I would take my kiddies traveling :] Bahh I can't wait for life to start!

Then of course I'm sitting here writing all this, in the mindset that I just, have, Nathan forever. Which is crap, and I should not think like that. Today, next week, next year, forever, is always going to be something to work at, to not take for granted, to be lucky for. So I shouldn't think like that, that he's just going to stick around because. Yeah. We don't necessarily stay apart for long enough to miss each other, but I would prefer to be with him constantly. It makes me incredibly happy to hear him laughing when I walk in the door from work, or when I wake up and his mean ass is facing the wall. I love that we can be together in any which way, whether we're laughing or crying or loving each other, and it's just completely comfortable, and feels right. It really truly does. It's absolutely right. Nothing has ever felt wierd for me. Like the first time holding his hand. It didn't feel awkward, or new, or anything, it just felt as it's supposed to. I definitely believe in fate and all that crap. All that we went through from this summer on was meant to happen I think. To make us stronger as a unit, to make us always aware not to take each other for granted, because of how close we were to losing each other [and did for a while.] After that I'm pretty sure we could make it through hell and high water together, as long as we're both willing to make the effort.

I've run out of steam. I tried my best to make things as wonderful to read for you as they are for me :] I love you babyyy.

Oh & btw.

I know that I have been incredibly possessive, in a stupid retarded way lately.
I am trying very hard and digging very deep inside myself to figure out what I can do to stop that. Part of the reason, I think, is because I have completely let you have me, my heart, my mind, my soul, and I have told you what I want for us, and I am terrified that you would crush me. I honestly don't think you will, but it is an irrational fear.

I forgot to elaborate on how much I love you in the last post :]
I would do anything I could to give you everything if I could love, anything and everything.

Pushit.

"Your pushing and were shoving and
I'm pushing and Your shoving

I'm Slipping back into, the gap again
I feel alive when you touch me
I feel alive when you hold me down
Slipping back into
Slipping back into

I am somewhere I don't wanna be
Put me somewhere I don't wanna be
Push me somewhere I don't wanna be
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see
Never wanna see that place again

Saw that gap again today
While you were begging me to stay
Managed to push myself away
And you as well my dear"



I am a facking mess this week. I feel like I am taking every chance I get to remind myself that I am not her, and instead of making myself better, slipping, and acting how she acted. I am not typically the type to grill my boyfriend. Constantly. Or get my feelings hurt. Constantly. I feel like I've totally spun out of control. Today is better, since it's pretty much over.

I pretty much feel like I have pushed him to feeling differently, but then get hurt over it. Cliche, but I'm pretty much my own worst enemy right now. To me, the things he says, or the way he acts seems less sincere now. I know it's not. I want to be myself by the end of today, so I can make him laugh, and smile, and make him happy like I'm supposed to. I don't want to confuse him, or make him angry, or hurt, doubt himself, or anything. And as long as he is happy with me, and sincere as hell, like usual with me, I will be completely fine. I sort of also feel like the crappy feelings I have had about my body in the past month have made him see me differently. Once again, I am not typically one of those girls who looks in the mirror and cringes. I actually like my appearance, quite a lot, when I haven't recently put on 20 pounds. I'm working on that though. Gah.

Toxic.

I think tonight is the night that my relationship falls off that perfect pedestal. Tonight we've brought up an issue that will continue to eat at us until it tears us apart. Great.

I am an optimist. He is a pessimist.

I could not be happier for my mother. She is 50 years old, and has found someone who she may not be head over heels in love with, but she loves all the same. He can be there for her emotionally and financially, and he respects her. I can't remember the last time a man treated my mother with the respect that she deserves. Scott gives me odd jobs, and he hooked me up with a cleaning job at the coast guard. Twenty hours a week, $8.25 an hour. No sick days, federal holidays off, one paid personal day, and more benefits as you work there longer. It's fine as far as a job goes I suppose.

And then. I love Nathan's mom to death. I think she is a wonderful woman, who has dealt with more than I can imagine. I also think she is at a breaking point, and some change needs to come into her life before she collapses. I want her to be okay, almost as much as I would want my own mom to be.

So tell me, why am I paying for the fact that your mom hasn't found anyone yet Nathan?
Why do I have to feel guilty for having a job? Why should I not be happy for my mom?

I am nothing but a supportive girlfriend, through and through. If you or your family ever needed me, you'd only have to wait until I got there, I would be out the door in a split second. I love your mom, and I want her to find someone, I love Jonathan, and I want him to be alright and get through this phase, and I love you, and I want you to do as well as you know you are capable of, not for us, but for you. I believe I already mentioned that if it was reasonable, I would have given half of my jobs to you. But it's not.

So now I sit here, wondering just how pissed you are at me, just how unfortunate it is for us to get like this when something just happened to your friend, and wondering just how much like Keri I am acting for flipping out right now, and how long it will be before your resentment tears us apart.

What do you see when you look at me?

I had all this shit to write about last night, and then mom #2 came down here to talk to me, and I've forgotten.

I think I may be leaning towards staying here again. I am absolutely terrified of college, and Shepherd probably wouldn't be as difficult as UW, plus it's less expensive and I would be here with Mando and zee baby. Yes. Sounds good. Not to mention this amazing relationship yo. I don't believe I've ever been connected to someone like this. I usually go through a whole awkward phase when getting to know someone or when we first start dating or whatever, but it was definitely nonexistent in this one. Maybe because we've been working on getting close since July? I have no idea, but I definitely feel like I am at home with Nathan. Bah :] It feels perfect. Creepy, I know. There's so much, ahhh, like how perfect I find his face to be? haha, I'm retarded. Like, I have never been the type to lay there and stare, but I find myself doing so constantly. I really, really, really, like hella, want to stay here and totally stay in his little circle of warmth? haha I cannot think of anything better to say. I sat here for like five minutes thinking of what to say there. That's the best I can do.

We're gonna make it through it all babyyy, we kill it :]