Since I try to play this one down

There's been a lot of situations in my life that I probably should have been the victim in, but instead brushed it off. I am not proud of the fact that I do tend to victimize myself in relationships. I know that I would search until my dying day if I was looking for someone who treated me perfectly and never hurt me, but damn, I seem to have horrible luck.

I feel like I get the life sucked out of me in every serious relationship I have. Scratch that, every guy I've dated for more than three weeks has clung on to me like the piece of ash that Logan burnt into me this summer. Shit gets rushed, and then I feel stuck for fear of hurting someone. So I hurt myself.

Nathan, don't take that the wrong way. If we moved things more slowly, I'm sure I'd be a lot more comfortable in this relationship. That is why I sometimes ask for space. It's my way of putting the brakes on something I feel moved to fast so I can catch up.

I can't make people like me, there's no point in trying. That's been obvious to me my whole life. People are going to like you, or they're not, and if you try, they'll either like you less or pretend to like you. I understand that two out of three of my best friends are far away at college, but for me, dropping in and saying 'Hi bugger/thryn, I miss you,' doesn't work. When is the last time one of them texted or called and we talked for as long as we used to? I spent an afternoon with Preston about two months ago, and I spent three hours in the car with Bugger when I picked her up from college because her dad had a damn heart attack. That was about three months ago, and that's the last time I had any quality time with either of them. I really want to work on getting tight with Jenni and Courtney again, but if that means I have to get high everytime I see them, I'll pass.

Back to relationships. I feel like I don't necessarily go out of my way to not be hurtful, but I know better. I'm pretty sure that most of the hurt I've gone through from Nathan is mindless shit that he should have known better. I feel as though I give and he takes. By giving I mean I settle for less than I deserve. And that is the way in which he takes. I don't deserve the tears, the miserable jealousy, the doubt that eats away at me on a regular basis. On a lighter note, Nathan really usually is a great boyfriend. I don't need to list off why because I tell him when I appreciate the things he does.

When someone you care about is hurting, when you're being nagged, pressured, bitched at, when you doubt yourself, when you're in pain, whether it be physical emotional,
I'll be there, waiting at the finish line, there to rub your back, to lay with you and listen, to fight for you, there to be your backbone.
We sometimes treat each other in ways we don't deserve, certainly. But we could make it through hell and back if we wanted, we just have to remember the most important aspect of us, more important than any thoughts, words, actions, promises, intentions, or ideas could touch,
our love.

I wrote that during a happy period last week. It makes me want to cry that I can go from feeling that good to feeling like dirt within next to no time at all. It's getting harder for me to bounce back.
Goodnight.