Pushit.

"Your pushing and were shoving and
I'm pushing and Your shoving

I'm Slipping back into, the gap again
I feel alive when you touch me
I feel alive when you hold me down
Slipping back into
Slipping back into

I am somewhere I don't wanna be
Put me somewhere I don't wanna be
Push me somewhere I don't wanna be
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see
Never wanna see that place again

Saw that gap again today
While you were begging me to stay
Managed to push myself away
And you as well my dear"



I am a facking mess this week. I feel like I am taking every chance I get to remind myself that I am not her, and instead of making myself better, slipping, and acting how she acted. I am not typically the type to grill my boyfriend. Constantly. Or get my feelings hurt. Constantly. I feel like I've totally spun out of control. Today is better, since it's pretty much over.

I pretty much feel like I have pushed him to feeling differently, but then get hurt over it. Cliche, but I'm pretty much my own worst enemy right now. To me, the things he says, or the way he acts seems less sincere now. I know it's not. I want to be myself by the end of today, so I can make him laugh, and smile, and make him happy like I'm supposed to. I don't want to confuse him, or make him angry, or hurt, doubt himself, or anything. And as long as he is happy with me, and sincere as hell, like usual with me, I will be completely fine. I sort of also feel like the crappy feelings I have had about my body in the past month have made him see me differently. Once again, I am not typically one of those girls who looks in the mirror and cringes. I actually like my appearance, quite a lot, when I haven't recently put on 20 pounds. I'm working on that though. Gah.